Sunday, February 6, 2011

Good Enough?

I have always considered myself in a high regard. Not to say I am narcissistic, I'm not all into myself and praising me, you know the totally annoying self absorbed type of thing... I mean to say I have always had high self esteem. It's always been a source of discomfort and honestly anger when I hear people put themselves down. "I'm to fat." "I'm to skinny." "I have a huge nose." blah blah blah blah blah.... I guess I shouldn't say I have always felt this way, I did at some stage of my youth go through the feelings of inadequacy or feeling ugly, fat and so forth... but I have in the past three or so years come to love being me! I have come to accept my faults, appreciate my strengths and come to know that me is the only person I want to be.

This however is not my point in writing this blog tonight. I have also come to know that there will be people in our lives that will be in the form of friends who in their own little way will try to break us and put doubts in our heads. This may seem like an odd statement, but this happens to be my reality at this moment.

A memory, one that I though I had forgotten, and honestly hadn't thought about in quite awhile reappeared in my mind a few weeks back and has been in my mind non-stop since. I find myself waking up with the phrase running through my head, or it popping into my head at random times during my day. A person from the past put an idea into my head, just a small one, but a hurtful one nonetheless. The thought was this..."you were never good enough."... It hurt when it was said, and to be 100% honest it hurts right now just typing it. This makes me feel two things...1. I'm so glad it was said to me, if it hadCheck Spelling been said to anyone with any less self esteem...I don't' want to think about that. 2. Though I know my strengths and what I have to offer, will I ever be good enough? The only answer that seems to give me comfort is this. Not for that person, because he wasn't good enough to deserve me. Does that seem narcissistic? I hope not...
The main point of this blog is to say be careful with the things you say, you never know how they my impact or change a persons life....That one simple phrase has casued not only pain in my life, but the return of the feelings of inadequacy.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Dating in Utah!

Ladies and Gentlemen... I went on a real date! hahaha... I know that sounds silly, but for the first time since I moved to Utah (almost two years) I went on a for reals live actual date!

I was complaining only yesterday to one of my really good friends that I was angry about the whole dating scene in Utah County. Lets see if I can explain this better... I have an ex who has continually fought to get me back, it's a never ending battle with him, and while he's an excellent guy we don't have a future together. This is super sad to both of us, but still remains the simple facts of the matter. This past week he once again brought up the subject of "getting back together". This caused a few events to happen... 1. I got supper depressed because lets face it, I feel like a total jerk every time I tell him no. 2. I got angry! I am a super cool girl, and I feel that a lot of men are missing out on a great opportunity to be with THIS supper cool chick! I also happen to think that I am a really good girlfriend. It stands to reason that because said man above for the last three years has been tirelessly trying to get me back shows that he misses something! 3. I decided that I'm not going to sit around and wait on guys to ask me out! I WANT TO DATE!!!! and lets face it guys, your not getting the job done!

Last nights date didn't happen to be an effort from me, it was a last minute blind date that turned into a super fun evening! I had a whole 5 minutes to get ready for this event to which my date picked me up, a 20 minute car ride to get to know him a little bit and then introduce him to 4 other couples. He's Jacob, or Jake for short a BYU boy who's studding accounting. He served a mission in Peru etc... We ate pizza, played group putt-putt and then ice cream sandwiches as we were serenaded! We then built and decorated awesome paper airplanes and had a contest to see how far they could fly! Jake was a perfect gentlemen!!! He opened my door, payed for everything, escorted me home and was charming and funny the whole night! It was a great date!

But fair warning boys... I'm not sitting around waiting anymore, get ready for some fun!