My God Hath Been My Support

A few events in the past week have led me to this point...

The first was a Sunday escape from the normal "marriage and family" class to attend Temple Prep. Let's be honest, marriage isn't my favorite subject... there is a past for the discomfort in that topic that we aren't getting into it here. I chose the class because 1. the teacher is HOTT! 2. A few of my friends were in it and 3. I remembered really liking it when I took it right before my mission. I wasn't prepared for how the lesson would hit my heart and compel me to be stronger and better about my temple attendance.

The second event was a priesthood blessing I received tonight to help with the excruciating pain in my back. Let's just say the blessing had a lot more to say then just a normal "get well soon" blessing.

The third was a desire to also read the Psalm of Nephi tonight, which, if I'm being honest, I was also not prepared for the way it would hit my heart tonight. I love the way Nephi pores out his heart in this chapter of the Book of Mormon. I was especially hit with his cry to his own soul when he exclaims "Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." and then continues on "O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin? May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!"
It's hard for my to imagine Nephi with some great sin after reading all of the amazing experiences he had as a servant of the Lord. It's hard for me to imagine his soul "drooping in sin!" However, I know my own weaknesses, and while I know Nephis great enemies were is own siblings, I imagine my weaknesses being my enemies. My cry tonight, my psalm... "Rejoice O my heart and give place no more for the weaknesses of my soul! My God hath been my support, and I will trust in Him!"

"Sometimes he said to himself: "When I was still a man, strong and free, commanding other men, I have seen the heavens open, the sea rage and foam, the storm rise in a patch of sky and like a gigantic eagle beat the two horizons with it's wings. Then I felt that my ship was but a weak refuge from the tempest, for did it not shiver and shake like a feather in the hands of a giant? Soon the sight of the sharp rocks, coupled with the frightful noise of the waves announced to me that death was near, and death terrified me. I exerted all my efforts to escape it, and I combined all my man's strength with all my sailor's skill in that terrible fight against God! For to me life was happy then, and to escape from the jaws of death was to return to happiness. I had no use for death; I loathed the thought of sleeping my last sleep on a bed of hard rocks and seaweed, of of serving after my death as food for gulls and cultures, I who was made in the image of God! Now, however, it is quite a different matter. I have lost all that bound me to life; now death smiles on me as a nurse smiles on the child she is about to rock to sleep; now welcome death!" - Edmond Dantes, The Count of Monte Cristo

Madea - let folks go

Gods Window

There is a saying that goes "when God closes a door, he opens a window". I honestly feel like this is the pattern my life is going in right now! It's hard to see doors close, it's hard to watch people leave your life, YET I am so excited for the windows that are being opened and the new people entering it!!!

WAIT..... Why are people climbing in my window?!?!? That's a little creeperish.... ;0)

The pattern my life has taken this past year is this... I hate to see people go, so I try my hardest to hold on to them and work through things. I recently had a life lesson on friends being like trees and how some people are only meant to be in our lives for a season. "when someone wants out of your life, you let them go." I have been trying to practice this method of just letting people go, and I have found that the Lord is opening the window to better options :0)
THANK YOU for the lessons learned by the exiting leafs, and WELCOME to the new buds on my tree!

Friends are Like Trees

A good friend of mine came for a visit the other day! He came in and said, "I learned something today that I think is applicable for both of us!" He proceeded to tell me "I was watching Tyler Perry today and this is what he said! Friends are like trees. Some are the leaves, these friends go wherever the wind blows them. They are in your life for a season and then gone. Other friends are the branches on the tree. These friends take take take and never have anything to give. These types of friends should be avoided. THEN, you have your friends that are the roots! These are true friends!" I am very appreciative for that small but important lesson, especially now as I watch very important people leave my immediate life. This change of season has been hard on me, yet I know that those who are true friends will always be there! I am soooo sooooo sooooo grateful for the true friends that I have! Thank you for being in my life, Thank you for seeing my potential when I am so imperfect, and thank you for loving me. I LOVE YOU TOO!!!

It's been a really long time since I have posted anything.... I'M SORRY :0) It's half being busy and half not having anything that I felt needed to be said.

So there is this idea that has been rolling around in my head.... Tell me what you think! I want to start a vlog on YouTube. I was approached with the question, "what would be on it Beth?" SO this is what I'm thinking.... I don't really want to do skits or anything like that, and I definitely don't want to do this to become FAMOUS on YouTube, I just think it would help me reach my initial goal in starting this blog... experience new things and record it while it's happening.... and also help my family and friends who are 1300 miles away stay up to date with whats going on with me. SOOOOOOO what do you think? Give me feed back.... would I be good at it? would you follow me? what should my YouTube name be if I do go for it?

The Past, The Present and the Future....

This has been a difficult day... why? because I'm having flashbacks of the past.
I was supposed to go to a wedding shower tonight for a friend, and I'm truly happy for her, but my past creeps back up and I have a stupid anxiety attack and I back out at the last minute.
Most people know my past, I was once engaged to a great man! For many reasons we called off out wedding, and I have not quite recovered. I have a wedding dress that hangs in my closet. Upon request of a friend I put it on yesterday, and it started my whole downfall for today.
It may seem odd to many, but I am grateful for my past with this man. He taught me so many things in the course of our relationship. The first was how to love, how to take myself a little less seriously, and through the breakup I learned how to forgive, and now how to be friends. More then anything I am grateful for his friendship! Thank you David, you never fail to amaze me, make me giggle when I need it the most, and still treat me with more respect then any man I have ever met :)
I don't know what my future holds. Life wouldn't be much fun if I did ;) but I am grateful for the example set for me.

The Gospel is True

I LOVE THE GOSPEL!!!!
That's all I have to say today... I spent the morning viewing talks online and sweet messages of the gospel given by our propohet and apostles. I love the feeling of peace that comes over me as I hear their testimonies and as the spirt whispers to me that the words they speak are true. And I love the feeling of hope that comes over me to reminds me that I can be better and be the woman I want to be.

Let Your Light So Shine...

I have a really amazing friend who is really great about giving me spiritual advice. I appreciate his point of view and his worthiness to be called upon when needed. I called upon him this past Sunday for a blessing, which was followed by a long discussion that brought on a memory.

The memory was of my Papaw Howard and something he said to me while I was in high school. Papaw was a good Pentecostal man, who loved the Lord and served Him in every way. He raised my father to be a hard worker and a God fearing man, and he did a very good job at it. The memory was this.... He told me "I am pleased with your special spirit, I am not sure you realize the light you radiate, you are like a lighthouse to those around you."

Do you realize the purpose of a lighthouse? Wiki Answers says: "...to steer mariners in dense fog and dark nights, away from cliffs. land and shorelines, coral reefs and other potentially hazardous areas....Lighthouses also need to be visable during the day to perform similar function of warning against reefs and rocks."

The light I radiated in high school was like a lighthouse...????.... I think it was actually true then.... I think I've lost a lot of that light over the past few years though....

I sat down this morning with a question in my heart and opened my scriptes to read from 3 Nephi 12 my eyes were drawn to versis 15 and 16. they read:
15 " Behold do men light a candle and put it under a bushel? Nay, but on a candlestick, and it giveth light to all that are in the house"
16 "Therefore let your light so shine before this people, that they may see your good works and glorigy your Father who is in heaven."

It made me remember last Sunday, and Brad and my discussion. It made me remember my desire to find that light again.... SO here we go!

"That Ye May Be Filled With Love" Alma 38:12

I've chosen to spend some time today studying the Law of Chastity. One of my favoriet quotes on the subject is as follows...

"Bridle is the word that wise father Alma used in counseling his son Shiblon, and the promise he attached is the key to understanding. 'Bridle your passions, that ye may be filled with love.' BRIDLING increases strength, increases power, increases love. There are absolutely two ways you can controll a horse. One is to kills it; the other is to bridle it. Alma never said kill your passions. The implication is not that passions are evil, that we shouldn't have them. On the contrary, we bridle something we love, who's power we respect. A horse is stronger then a man, so a man bridles it thus controlling it's power and using that power for good. Passions are stronger then we are, so we bridle them thus controlling their power and using that power to strengthen a marriage and forge it into eternity. REMEMBER, a physical relationship is simply to beautiful to squander, to wonderful to waste. It is the sterling silver to PRECIOUS to tarnish before the beauty of the banquet." Paul H. Dunn

The Heart of Life....

ANYONE who knows me know I LOVE JOHN MAYER!!!!! There is something about his music that mellows me out and makes me feel better. Today, the song holding me grounded is THE HEART OF LIFE.

I hate to see you cry

Lying there in that position

There's things you need to hear

So turn off your tears

AND LISTEN

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it wont all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new

Bad news never had good timing

But then, the circle of your friends

Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No, it wont all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood

But I know the heart of life is good

I KNOW IT'S GOOD!

Mothers Day.....

Mothers Day is just around the corner!!!!! I got the dreaded phone call yesterday afternoon, the one where you answer the phone and your not really sure who it is. When you realize it's a member of the bishopric and you wish you would have let it go to voicemail... your first thought is crap I'm getting a new calling, and then you realize NOPE it's WORSE. I have to speak in Sacrament meeting.... UGH! I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it always seems I get called on to speak on or around Mothers Day. So no surprise, I chose to use the talk "Mothers and Daughters" by M. Russell Ballard.

Preparing the talk has had me thinking a lot about my own mother and the other women in my life who have guided my path! I have a few I would like to thank!

MY MOMMA: She has an unshaken testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. She truly is the one person who held our family together through faith and prayer and sweat. We never had to question whether we had her love, respect and support! She has also carried me through many of my own trials. (love you momma, thank you :))

My Sister KELLY: Kelly has been through many trials that no woman should ever have to go through. Yet, she kept her head up, forgave and moved on with her life with hardly ever a word of complaint. Kelly is who I turn to for advice, because I know she will give it to me straight and put me in my place if it calls for it. Kelly is who I also turn to for a good friend and a fun time! (love you sis!)

My Sisters RUTH and FERNIE: You may not be my sisters by blood, but you have apart of my family for as long as I can remember! I turn to you for fun but appreciate the way you have both made me open my mind, look at the world around me and take myself a little less seriously. I also appreciate how you have always had my back :) (love you both sooooo sooooo much!)

Sister PATTY DURBY: Sister Durby taught me in the temple prep classes right before I went to the temple for the first time. It was just me and her and her testimony then has stuck with me throughout my life. Sister Durby truly is a woman of God!

LYNDSEY ESTES: (Sister Durby's daughter): has been one of my best friends throughout my life as a teenager and as an adult. As we grew up Lyndsey married and now has a beautiful family! However, she always took time to talk with me and give me advice and love me as her own sister! Her gentle kindness made her a valuable friend! (thank you Lyndsey)

SISTER RIRIE : My mission mom! You are a woman full of grace and quiet dignity. For the 18 month I was in the mission field she was there to give encouragement and hugs just when they were needed. At times those hugs felt like they came directly from my own mother! You are the kind of women I want to be! (thank you for your love!)

"MOTHERHOOD IS NOT WHAT WAS LEFT OVER AFTER THE FATHER BLESSED HIS SONS WITH PRIESTHOOD ORDINATION. IT WAS THE MOST ENNOBLING ENDOWMENT HE COULD GIVE HIS DAUGHTERS, A SACRED TRUST THAT GAVE WOMEN AN UNPARALLELED ROLE IN HELPING HIS CHILDREN KEEP THEIR SECOND ESTATE."

-ELDER MATTHEW COWLEY

Change Will Come

A wise man once said, "you can choose to be humble, or you can be compelled to be humble." Today, I was compelled. Their are a lot of things in my past that I am not proud of, especially in this past year. At times I have wondered why I do the things I do, or say the things I say... I don't know the answer to it yet, but maybe in time I will understand. My best friend in Utah, the one person who's opinion matters to me, who's approval is important put me in my place today by simply saying "STOP!" I am proud of her for doing that. I am proud of her for making me feel like I need to Stop, and evaluate, and change. THANK YOU!

This is what I know...

COUNT YOUR MANY BLESSINGS NAME THEM ONE BY ONE, AND IT WILL SURPRISE YOU WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE...

I don't often bare my testimony, but I was recently reading through a copy of an old journal and found an entry where I had made a list of the things I knew, I thought it might be fun to do that again...

1. We are children of God, and He loves us. I use to think as a child that if I were to sin that I would receive punishment for that sin. When I broke mom and dads rules I got a spanking or they grounded me... If I broke one of Gods rules he would give just punishment in physical form as well. ex.) I would be in a car accident, or hurt myself in some way. THIS IS NOT TRUE! Thank goodness our Father in Heaven dose not execute punishment in such a way. He loves us perfectly! He knows us personally! and He wants us to trust in Him and FOLLOW HIM!

2. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the World. I AM A SINNER. I have never claimed to be a perfect person, but I know that through the Atonement, when truly seeked we can be forgiven and made clean and whole through the blood of Christ. I've recently began to understand the meaning behind the phrase "godly sorrow" I've come to understand that repentance and receiving forgiveness is not feeling guilt for wrong choices, it is not putting in time periods of sustaining from sin. It is having a change of HEART, It is recognizing that your sin caused our SAVIOR great pain and suffering. It is feeling remorse and sorrow for being a cause of such pain and a desire to change your actions and sin no more. "Now the Spirit knoweth all things: nevertheless the Son of God suffereth according to the flesh that he might take upon him the sins of his people, that he might blot out their transgressions according to the power of his deliverance; and now behold this is the testimony which is in me" -Alma 7:13

3. Joseph Smith is a prophet of God, He restored the fullness of Christ gospel on the earth and Thomas S. Monson is the Lords prophet on the earth today! I had a special love for Gordon B. Hinkley he was the prophet of my childhood and much of my adult life. This past weekend as I listened to Thomas S. Monson speak in General Conference I gained this same feeling of love for him as a prophet of God and as the leader of the Lords true church.

4. I LOVE being in the temple. This past Sunday I drove to the Provo temple and watched missionaries take pictures and was reminded of a moment in a temple interview given by President Templin. He asked me "Sister Carrier, is a temple marriage important to you?" My response then was " I WILL SETTLE FOR NOTHING LESS!" I have at times lost sight of that conviction, and have almost settled for much much less... I am grateful for the atonement, and that through true repentance I will one day be able to have the full blessings of the temple and a temple marriage in my life!

5. The prieshood is Gods power on earth! I have seen and felt the miracles of the priesthood in my life countless times. I am grateful that the Lord has given this power to worth men to bless lives and homes! I am grateful that I grew up in a home where the priesthood was present and respected.

These are just a few of my blessings, just a few of the things that I know, but they are GREAT! I love the gospel, I am so grateful to have it in my life...

....the most important people in our lives accept us for who we are..not who they think we should be

The most important people in our lives accept us for who we are, not who they think we should be...

Have you ever been judged? Have you ever been judged by someone who had no right to judge you? This seems to be he topic starting out this week for me and my buddy. I was put in my place by someone who had no right to say a word because they have done much worse. Plus, they JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS and didn't even know what they were talking about, AND I'M NOT GOING TO CORRECT THEM. Then one of my best friends was disowned by his family for coming out to them. The people in our lives who are supposed to accept us and love us for who we are judge us and make us feel tiny. THE BEST PART... It doesn't seem to bother them that they hurt you.

Well, here's a toast to you and me BOO! We will forever be each others family! Love You!

LOVE

This is conference weekend, a BIG deal for most LDS families. I sat down this morning to watch conference and was pierced to my very soul by the first talk in the Sunday secion. President Uchtdorf spoke on the subject of LOVE, a subject that has been heavy on my mind this past week.

I had an argument at the begining of the week about being to loving...I was told that I treated others to kindly, that I cared to much. I responded with "I won't apologize for being to kind" and then argued within myself or not for the rest of the week wondering if this person was right. I often do things for others, and at times I do get hurt because those things are unappreciated. After listening to conference this morning I realize that this person is wrong. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH LOVE IS THIS WORLD, and I will continue to give mine to those in need of it. IF it makes your uncomfortable DEAL WITH IT!

Finding Me...

I'm not a fan of 2010.... So far it's been a year full of trials. It all started in December when I lost my job the week of Christmas. I had a trip home for the weekend planned to spend Christmas with my family, and was told days before I went for the visit that I no longer employed. (not because I was going home)

January held mounds as confusion as I tried to make since of relationships and ended up losing a good friend in the process.

February brought me the painful and emotional experience of going home to say goodbye to my grandfather and watching him pass away.

SO.... forgive me 2010... I HATE YOU!

March brought HOPE! I came home with a job offer and I am now working at Pier 1 Imports! So far I love it! I work with a group of very energetic and fun girls! HOWEVER...
March has still held confusion....The only words I have to describe it are these....

I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM ANYMORE...

I was honestly changed by the experience of watching a loved one die. I was hit with the knowledge that there are so many vital and important things in this life that i need to quit putting off. I have felt a HUGE urgency to change and be a better person. The problem is, I don't know who that person is... But I do know this......

2010 HAS THE POTENTIAL TO BE THE BEST YEAR EVER!!!

Because so far it has pushed me and pulled me and is forcing me to grow, and that my friends, THAT has endless possibilities!

the passing of time....

Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength but there are times in life when it takes much more strength to just let go....

The past week I observed this strength in both forms....I watched as my papaw fought for his life. It wasn't easy to see, but I am grateful I got to be there for him, for my mother, and for my family. I am also grateful that I got to say "I love you Papaw" before he passed beyond this life.

MY PAPAW WAS THE DEFINITION OF STRENGTH, DETERMINATION AND TOUGH!

Papaw was a cowboy! I use to always tell him that he reminded me of John Wayne! He was handsome, worked hard and although he wasn't "book educated" he was the smartest man I've ever met. He NEVER met a problem he couldn't fix! His response sometimes was "Well, Baby, I don't know how to do that, but we sure will figure it out!"

He was blessed with tons of grandsons who loved being outdoors with him! Going fishing up at his river camp, hunting and so forth! He was blessed with only three granddaughters! Kelly, Me and Brooke. One of the best memories I have of him is taking us on a girls weekend at his river camp to spend the night and go fishing with him! Just us and our papaw!

16 years ago he battled cancer... we all though we were going to lose him then but if there was ever a determined man (or hard headed) it was Papaw! We were blessed to have him for 16 more years!

He had this dog named Red! Red went everywhere with Papaw! The story is Red was Mamaw's dog....She came to Arizona when I was born and left Red at home. It didn't take long for Red to realize Papaw was out having fun hunting rabbits ans squirl's and he decided to be Papaw's dog...LOL!... Red died of cancer, it about broke my Papaw's heart.

He had a heart attack, it was a roller coaster ride for him and everyone involved... He flat lined on the way to the hospital for 15 minutes, but they revived him. They preformed open heart surgery with only a 10% chance that he would make it through it, HE DID. His kidneys shut down they put him on dialysis, He got pnemonia.. one thing right after another. BUT Things started looking up! His kidneys started working again and they took him of of dialysis, He started opening his eyes... and then he got sepsis. It's a nasty infection with a 60% mortality rate.... The infection was so bad that his kidneys shut down again and they couldn't put him back on dialysis.... My mom and my uncles had to make the decision to turn off the machines, because there was nothing more the doctors could do... It was heartbreaking to watch them make that decision and to say goodbye to their father.

EVERYONE of his grandchildren (aside from one) came to see him in the hospital. Even my cousin flew in from Italy. It was obvious that he was very loved! But then who better to love then the man who taught you how to love.

GOD BE WITH YOU TIL WE MEET AGAIN PAPAW!

HOME.....

He is happiest, be he king or peasant, who finds peace in his home. -Johann Von Goethe

Home is a starting place of love and dreams. I made a trip home this week...not for pleasure... My grandfather had a heart attack and has been in the hospital in critical condition. He's slowly making improvements, but I can't help but feel that he isn't going to pull through this one... I WANT HIM TO, but in my mind I just don't see it happening.

REGARDLESS of the circumstances of why I am home, this trip has had me thinking about a lot of things...

For starters, the last two times I have come home, I have loved being with my family, but it hasn't felt like my home anymore, not where I belong and yet the place I am living also doesn't feel like where I'm meant to be...

The other thing I have been thinking about is the phrase Home is the starting place of love and drams... This is a true fact! My parents taught me to love and be generous to all those around me and I try to live my life by that motto.

In the apartment complex that I live in back in Orem, my apartment is/or use to be the hang out apartment. NEVER A DULL MOMENT. My door is always open, EVERYONE is welcome to come in have a hot meal (if one has been prepared) and enjoy good conversation. HOWEVER I began to feel like this was being expected and not appreciated... I believe some began to think that this open home policy was because I wanted to hear and be apart of all the drama that goes on in the complex. THIS COULDN'T BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

I was raised to be a hand of help to others, a listening ear when a friend was needed. The first to give a hug or hold a person as they grieved... I learned these traits from my mother and I realized this as I watched her care for my grandfather this past week and as she interacted with her family. MY MOM...The one who will bend over backwards and give what she doesn't have to make sure you have it a little easier. I'm just like her, and I'm not complaining :)

THESE TRAITS WERE LEARNED IN MY HOME!

Home is where friendships are formed and families are grown;where joy is shared and true love is known;where memories are made and seeds of life are sown.This is the place...that people call HOME.

CAKE!!!!!

Tonight at 6 p.m. I attended a class for decorating cakes! CAKES!!!! It was soooo much fun!!!! I can't say that I was good at it....quite the opposite. HOWEVER I enjoyed it!

The problem is that I see how creative everyone eases cakes look and I feel SELF CONSCIOUS about how UN-creative my cake is. This however is not the point, the point is that I tried something new! If I put some practice into it I too can have super duper CREATIVE cakes!!!!

I think I will spend a little time on this new hobbies and see where it leads me!

ALSO... I was invited tonight to attend a pottery class on this coming Thursday! I think I'll give that a go too!!!!

FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE AND DO IT ON PURPOSE! -DOLLY PARTEN

I don't understand why people are afraid of being alone. I was hanging out with a group of people the other day watching Mama Mia and I made the comment that I had seen the movie in theaters BY MYSELF. The first response was "that sounds very depressing." another chimed in with "how could you do that?"

I don't see what the big deal is..... I have an amazing friend that I met while living in North Carolina. Mecca Williams (now Thacker)! Over lunch one day she told me that I needed to learn to love myself. "FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF AND THE REST OF THE WORLD WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO!" Isn't that amazing advice!?!?!?!

I would have been a fool not to take it, so I set to work!!!! One of the things I love is going to the movies!!!! I love to experience the BIG screen while eating buttery popcorn!!! I decided that I would give it a try!

The first time was SCARY....no joke, walking into a movie theater by yourself.... people must think your crazy to be spending time in public ALONE. Doing an activity that is normally done in pairs. Thinking back I doubt anyone even noticed, though at the time I felt like everyone was staring at the crazy single girl going to the movies all by herslef.

If I were to be honest, it was the best movie going experience I've ever had!!!! There was no one there to distract me from the story line by talking to me! I FELL IN LOVE IMMEDIATELY!!!! It became a weekly thing for me to take a day and go see a new movie! You may be surprised how easy it is to confidently walk into a dark theater, sit down with your bucket of yummy buttery popcorn and watch a movie!

It had been awhile since I had taken time to enjoy a favorite past time. I hadn't done it once since I moved to Utah so this past Friday I took a few hours to myself and went to see WHEN IN ROME! AND you know what???? I enjoyed myself!!!!

FIND OUT WHO YOU ARE AND DO IT ON PURPOSE! -DOLLY PARTEN

There is something about Bob Harper that gets my blood pumping!!!!

In 2004 I met a friend (in the form of a mission companion) named Michelle Demke (now Bliss). Michelle worked hard, and inspired me to be a better person! She to this day remains one of my favorite mission companions.

The alarm clock would go off at 6:00 every morning Michelle would obediently jump out of bed, drop to her knees to say her morning prayers and then get in the shower. She would then enter our room and say "Sister Carrier, I can't believe your still in bed, get up!" She would then make me run a mile with her around the town of Kimberly Idaho. At first I hated her for it...despised her for it. THEN my thighs started to look sexy hot, my tummy got flat, my face looked better, healthier... I lost 75+ pounds after meeting this girl!

Michelle and I only served together for 6 weeks, but she helped me develop a love for running! When I returned to Kentucky after my 18 months of serving I quit running. WHY? Maybe because I didn't have Michelle pushing me to go the extra mile. I also gained back every bit of the weight I had lost.

My first hobby up for revaluation is going to be working out and working my way up to being a runner again!....

BOB HARPER is my new best friend!

feeling kinda blah....

THIS WEEKEND HAS BEEN A ROLLER COASTER...

Let me elaborate on a few things about myself...

1..I am a feminist. Not anti-man, but certainly pro-woman
2..Men often scare me. They’re bigger and stronger than me, plus there’s always the chance one will break my heart.
3. I have had my heart broken, and it still hurts...
4.I have often wondered if I will ever have the courage to fall in love again.
5.It’s not that I can’t or don’t trust men, it’s that being head-over-heels in love is extremely dangerous for a sensitive girl (or boy, no doubt) and I’m trying to keep any man from ever having that kind of power over me…again
6.I want to be married and have a family some day making the above issue very difficult

One of my biggest pet-peeves is when a woman is disrespectful to herself and other woman. WE ARE DAUGHTERS OF GOD. Take pride in who you are, love yourself and for CRYING OUT LOUD quit letting a boy who thinks he's a man control your emotions and your decisions.
IT IS STUPID AND YOU WILL GET HURT....PERIOD!

I know this makes me sound very cryptic. I can assure you I am not. I am open to love if it is good for you. I am not open to a self sacrificing and purely selfish gain love. NOW, I understand that all relationships require sacrifice. There is however a difference between sacrificing for the benefit of the relationship (such as a compromise) and sacrificing because you are an IDIOT.

NOTE: I wish you t know that I am speaking MOSTLY to myself, but believe all woman need to hear this.

Beth's search for Fulfillment.....

FULFILLMENT: a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires....

This is where the BIG question comes in.....WHAT ARE MY DESIRES? what do I really want out of life?..........
I had a conversation the other day, a repeat of one that I've had many times in the past....."what are your hobbies Beth?" they ask..."what do you want to do with your life?"..."what do you want to be when you grow up?" I am a grown up, I will be a whole 27 years old in a little over a month, and these questions still perplex me. I have no idea what I want to be, or what I want to do for the rest of my life.

THIS IS A LIE! I do know what I want...I've wanted the same thing since I was three years old. I want to have a family, I want to be a mom and take care of my children. I want to do the mundane and boring things of life on a daily basis. I want to cook dinner for my family and complain about how much laundry there is to do. I want to love my husband passionately and be loved by him, and I want to enjoy every minute of it! .... but, apparently this isn't good enough....

I've never been the kind of girl who dreamed of a career, getting up and getting dolled up every day to go to the office. It's not that I don't want to work. I find great fulfillment in doing a days work for a days pay. It's just that I believe there are more important things in life then the all mighty dollar. Like a successful family and marriage....

I have hobbies.... some may find them to be boring, but to me they bring a small sort of fulfillment...
I enjoy reading! There is nothing better then an adventure through the words of a creative mind! I dream of having a library in my home one day. Wall to wall books both entertaining and educational.
I also love cooking! The success of dominating a difficult recipe is thrilling! The best part of the process is watching someone else enjoy what you have prepared. The worst part....cleaning up...

I know it doesn't seem like a lot, it's not, it's only two small hobbies in comparison to my sisters amazing abilities to sew, cook, scrapbook, paint, photography, cross stitch, and still keep up with her family... it seems a little overwhelming to take on all of that.

WHERE WAS I GOING WITH ALL OF THIS......oh, yes, I am on a search to find fulfillment... I want to discover new adventures and new hobbies and new talents.... I hope you will join me on this journey...